I remember day when I left home, 22 september 1996. I can play it over and over in my head like tape player in fast forward mode. I remember it rather vividly as if it was yesterday, it was in Subang airport. The place was crowded with people, I guess mostly just the relatives and friends of ours, saying some last wisdoms and goodbyes to us, a bunch of 19 year olds sailing to a whole new and different world. It felt back then that this whole thing was such big a deal and it felt like we were leaving the country for good. It was indescribable feelings to me, couldn’t pick any one of them out for sure it was a whole bunch of feelings all thrown into one and happy or excited definitely not one of them. I remember feeling really sad and the thought of being away for whole 6 years in IRELAND of all places didn’t help either. of course it didn’t occur to me that I will be back for summer break. At the time 6 years seem so far away and I was already looking forward to coming back home after graduated in 2002 , different century altogether.
But what happened? It’s 2006 for god’s sake and I’m still here?! What was I thinking? Honestly I can’t even answer that question myself. careerwise? doesn’t look like it’s going anywhere, happiness? Barely, achievements? Don’t even go that way. I guess I’ve been lying to myself for so long as well as living in denial. So far I managed to deceive myself with promising extra qualification which by the way is not even recognized back home, well at least on paper I would be a member of prestigious college of surgeon although in reality I have no operative skills. I thought I had everything planned really well obviously not well enough. On top of that, most recent unfortunate events back home really got me thinking and re-evaluate my priority and reasonings. Frankly I’m lost. Miserable and sad. Same kind of feelings I felt when leaving home almost a decade ago I guess.
Arghhhh!!!! how could this happened? How could it get so wrong ? and Where do I go from here? i'm a mess.....................................sigh
