when i think it's all over.....

now, i know you guys couldn't stand at reading on one more entry from me in this blog ( as if i care ) i just couldn't help it. it was really bad to an extent i was thinking what i was going to write about in the blog today while walking down the stairs in this place. surely i'm officially blog-infected at this stage.

after been awake for the whole night last night, well actually not the whole night i managed to get an hour sleep give or take and interrupted in between, this morning i became really manic. was really excited that i finally done with the call and the thought of going home later just made me elated, truly hyper like a surge of energy blasted through me from out of no where. so the round was pretty hectic and quick, rushing from one bed to another. i really don't like that coz it made me all confused and got all the patient mixed up. i almost told my boss a 21 year old girl who actually suspected appendicitis, came in with possible diverticular abscess instead, which is true for another patient whose age was 83. damn it made me looks incompentent!!!! well i noticed it rather early and nobody actually paid any attention since i had pressure of speech this morning, holy crap i never know i can speak that fast. don't ask me what was the speed put it this way, it really sound like i was talking with my mouth full like abe always teased me with. in another word i was just mumbling, what the hell was wrong with me?!!

soon after we finished the round my intern for some reasons being really kind , anothe peculiar thing that happened today, wanted to hold my bleep so i can get some sleep for a few hours, i did jump into the opportunity and managed to only an hour coz i was so anxious that maybe people were looking for me etc. the usual stuff. got up and went to do some chart digging for the audit, me! me!? a locum, lending my hands for good cause, my ass the truth is honestly i have the inability to say NO, hence there i was in medical records going through some charts that took me 20 minutes to finish 3 pages. well doctors' handwriting are actually encrypted and not all people could decode those writings, what perceived as illegible in fact a code that only other doctors could understand ( yeah right! pride o pride) . anyway i was on my way to radiology department after that thinking i might get some verbal reports on some of my new admissions last night only to run into my boss, shit!!! trauma case!!! guess what we had to go to theatre urgently. WHAT!!!!! i can't believe this i thought everything's gonna chill down a bit this morning but it was the opposite. we scrubbed in at 1400 hrs and finished at 1730 hrs. all the manic and elation were gone insted fatigue and irritable took place. on top of that before theatre started, i went to crossmatch 6 units of bloods and everyone was rushing in total drama and chaos!!! like a scene in ER, i swear to god it was like in ER. we were rushing to theatre, me and my team but i had to send the request form for the blood first. there i was heading to the chute to send it but a place where it usually fills with canisters, and if there were only few canisters in the world THAT would the first and only place they would keep them, were empty, nadah. what in the world?! then i was practically begging the labs to send just one to me but they either up to their eyeballs busy or simply no answer, i tried the wards instead the same happened. i had no other choice but to run across the building to tha lab delivered it myself. i ran back up to the theatre to find that the patient hadn't arrive at OT and met my reg who believed that i was the one who was going to accompany the patient on transit, SHIT!! then i ran down to x-ray mind you theatre is at the 8th floor and x-ray is at 3rd. hungry, thirsty, tired, sleepy and annoyed all in one made me cursing away on every single steps i set my foot on. once there, the nurse told me that the patient just after arriving in theatre. ok now i'm officially pissed i had to go up again and fast. finally i reached theatre but i can't do anything but to make sure i could breath on my own. thought i was really fit!!! hate this self-discovery!! turns out that there were no major trauma before in past few months but 2 cases in which i was there working when it happened and i scrubbed for it. what are the odds?! at least i had enough exercise that could last me a month. now i'm heading home, at last! get something to eat and shower and sleep!!! can't wait for tomorrow, yaiy!!!

The wind that shakes The barley

AWAS

TO CONTINUE ON READING , ENSURE AT LEAST 5 MAN SIZE-TISSUE BOXES ARE NEXT TO YOU

well things has definately been slow these few weeks, i must admit walaupun aku dah lama gaklah abes exam , i just wasn't i a mood for blogging, dah banyak kali aku ker UCC nie untuk blog , but ended up doing nothing , sebab just as i said, plain tak der mood. For me kalau nak tulis blog nie, kena ader mood, barulah buleh turlis, so thats why may be i've never had my own blog ( contrary to popular believes -lah kan).

I was never one of those diary-kinda people. I could still remember once in sekolah rendah , we were introduced to the concept of writing a diary by one cikgu Mazidah ( my english teacher- cubby cubby, baik giler) for our english, kecoh satu darjah ( like standard 5 i think) nak beli diary ( bare in mind- all boys skool), everyone was suddenly into it. Kedai buku kat sekolah aku sebuklah nak stock up dengan diary, siap naik harga lagi as i can remember. On top of that since the english teachers decided that the person with the most up to date,paling LAWA, and paling canggih punyer diary would win a prize at the end of the year, LAGIlah budak budak nie naik angin/lemak. I still remember That particular period/season when DIARIES were so IN. Everyone would come to class the next day boasting on how lawa and canggih their diary was.......macam-macam gaya ada, ada yang muka surat berlipat-lipatlah, ada yang ader lagulah bila bukak , ada yang ader ader glitter, ada yang ada gambar Nash-lah ( malay singer) and ada yang ada gambar Wann ( pre-90's dangdut singer...yang dah entah kemana-tah)..........Me obviously being the unartistic grp, obviously couldn't be bothered-lah kan, hmmmm, but i must admit, at first i was into it as well, but may be for about a week max, pastuh entah kemane tah diary aku tuh. Well anyway, i surpose bagus jugak tulis diary nie, goz it sorts of gives you an outlet to express yourselves, macam tulis blog nie lah, but to me , hmmmmm may be aku nie just can't be bothered kot about things around me time tu.......hmm entah-lah......

Back to reality, these few months have obviously been a trying time for almost everyone, the lost of one person definately did change the dynamics of everyones life including me. From my point of view , i must say , that shaz was a significant part of my life. Daripada aku datang lagilah, shaz was there, so basically these 4 years, my ups my downs , sume shaz ada. Pendek kata , shaz balik macam aku nie hilang something that was apart of me. Its sort of that when that person is there , you don't kindof dun realise it. Tapi bile orang tuh dah tak-da, barulah nak rasa. I've definately learnt a lot from shaz, put aside the cooking skills, in terms of relationships with your friends and the people around you. Before, i've always considered myself to have a good relationship with the people around me , until one day shaz pointed out that i was tooo private, and i never give out ( sort of having a Big Big wall around me), even to him, and sampai skrang after 4 years of being close friends, he still tak boleh read me........ that i must say was the turning point, when i started thinking, hmmmmmmmm, betullah jugaklah jugakkan. ......may be i should give out more, now slowly-lah i'm trying my best.......wekekekekeekeke.....like now....

Shaz balik, aku rase sunyi sikitlah-kan. Shaz balik, aku tak tahu nak cakap macam mana. It struck me most time aku exam arituh, coz the years before, my room definately would be THE PORT. It felt quite funny especially the time when i was walking to the exam halls, kalau dulu dulu mesti jalan dengan shaz, now jalan sorang-sorang. ....( tissue alert), lagi lagi kalau orang -orang tertentu keluar dengan statement, 'Ehh, kingkong , ko jalan sorang ? Mane shaz?' nasib baik lah tahap sabar aku masih tinggi, nak jer aku bagi flying kick kat minah tuh.

well anyway, as i've always said to myself ,shit happens, pick it up and move on........

I guess i was pretty lucky that in part , i was quite busy dengan exams. It felt like soooooo long , tak abes abes lagi exam aku, korang sume tau lah ....adalah dalam 3 bulan lebih aku rase aku exam, give or take. Penat, sangat penat , sampai nak suka ria pon rasa tak best, walaupun sempat lagi nak bersuka ria. Still remember those times in which pergi ke rumah siti and sri semata-mata sebab nak makan, wakakakakakaka,and also those times when shaz would creep out of the house senyap-senyap semata-mata sebab tak mau aku tau korang ada aktiviti, wkekekekeke.

However , dalam banyak banyak aktiviti, the one i regret most not going was to the mr. and mrs. franta/frantova's wedding. I must admit , that day , walaupun aku ckp aku nak stadi, tapi aku tak da lah stadi sangat pon , just had no mood, wekekekekekeke. WELL anyway, insyallah, i try to make it to penang! DGN SHAZ!!!!. Satu lagi is that,sebab exam tak sempat aku nak ke erinville jumper sri beranak. SO maksudnya tak sempat lah aku menatap wajah sri one day post beranak. Serious sri , aku rase lama sangat ko mngandung, sampai aku tak ingat camna ko kalau tak mengandung. Dalam 9 bulan sri pregnant, banyak giler kita beraktiviti (masak2,makan2,minum2, lompat2). Insyallah , Allyna nanti pon mesti suka beraktiviti, wakakakakakaka. And aku raselah-kan, dalam 9 bulan ko pregant, kiteorg sekeliling ko pon macam(ala-ala) ikut mengandung skali......skarang aku looking foward nak lunch dgn ko kat CUH, at least ada teman.

On top of that, i must give credit to Paan and emma for also being there at that time. I must say without you guys, may be-lah aku akan depress. Yours trully has definately felt at home in paan's car, siap ada seperation anxiety lagi. And i must admit that as i told you paan , bau kereta kau masih still stick in my mind ( how doggy it that) . It was good for everyone i guess, that a week pre- and post- shaz balik , paan ada. ( Paan= aktiviti ( read lollerblade, bagai)) .....definately kept us occupied and filled the void left by shaz ( awwwww, tissue alert). Bagus jugaklah ko dpt keje kat CUH arituh, at least aku tak -lah ckp dgn dinding sowang2. Credit pon to mosh,and siti sebab siap call aku nak main lollerblade. Tekejut aku , dpt fon call dari mosh, ingatkan pegawai JPAlah nak keep track on me....suara ko soo-lah suara pegawai2 gitu.

I must say that , never have i had friends that are so fun to be with , that i'm definatelty gonna miss you guys bile korang sume balik/pindah. Emma's probably gonna be the first to leave us, followed by Paan somewhere in end of the year. With honza gone, Leia's gonna move to dublin early next year. I gather, lepas nie tak adalah those famous "lompat-lompat terkinja-kinja macam orang gile" nak amik gambar sessions-kan. Tak per Sri, nanti bile ko dah boleh lompat nanti,and bile budak2 nie dah balik sume, kite lompat and amik gambar, pastu tunjuk depa , bagi depa jeles.

When i think of it, all of the things thats happening is such a story, thats its in sync with the blogs name - Ceritakita! Memanglah sebuah cerita tahun nie.......

wif leia kawen,shaz emma and paan gone, sri dapat anak and keje, and me masuk final med and hopelfully grad (insyallah)..........its soooo could be a nice ending ( aka 'at last they live happily ever after kindof thing.....) to the whole story......betul tak?

May be the "at last they live happily ever after...." statement tuh unreal sket, tapi hope fully it will end like that someway or another........ ( awwww, tisu-tisu).

On the bright sight, at least yang bakal balik tuh boleh berkhidmat untuk kerajaan ( wakakakkaka-ketawa evil)....but i guess on a much more brighter note, you guys get to be with ur own families ! Catch-up those years that you guys have lost. Pendek kata , its like one malay peribahasa " hujan emas dinegeri orang bla bla......." (awwww, tisu-tisu)..... Apa-apa pon bile balik mesia boleh jumpe semula, bukannyer tak jumpe langsungkan, lagi pon kite sumekan nak beli tanah sekeliling tanah sri abe kat mesia tuhkan, so bolehlah jumpa tiap-taip ari...hahahahahaa

well, i guess i've said everything i wanna say. Skrang nie aku nak pergi ke bandar, nak cari ape-apa yang aku buleh cari. May be if i have anything to say , i'll write it down soon, skrang nie dah abes idea nak tulis. Lapar lah pulak kan.....

cau!

i must've been hitler in my past life!!!!!!!

arghhhhh!!!!! it's 0515 hrs on thursday morning and i haven't gone to bed yet. damn for some unknown reasons most people who got sick tonight managed to find their ways to go under surgical team. while i was busting my ass running around like a headless chicken between casualty and the ward, none of the medical team was around. apparently the score for admission was 7 to 1 in my favor and this was at 2200 hrs. then again these people are genuinely sick with surgical problems so i can't give out all i want the fact is they need my care, not just from me but from the service. i swore so much god knows it started to sound like a song that stuck in my head, pretty good really maybe i can release it as a single someday.

now as i'm waiting for the x-ray of a patient who is unwell and god knows when would that be done ( mind you that's urgent x-ray!), i stow away in this tiny little room to give out yet again about my unfortunate life. eh! i don't care if other people say their life worse than mine but the way it looks like right now nothing can't top mine, argh! nothing i tell you!!!! ( dramatic nyer ) i want my mommy!!! i left my phone at home along with my scrubs so now, i stink, the clothes stink and gotta wear this again for the whole day till 5, huh good luck people around me. i can live with that since some people here shower once a month but life without my phone?!!!!!! might as well i jump out the window next to me right now, it's 6th floor and would make quite an impression once i reach the bottom. shite!!! i can't figure out why this is happening to me i must've been some really bad ass guy in my previous life to deserve this bad karma (this statement is not necessarily mirror my belief) for what it's worth i have only 2 more days left, finally the end is coming and as i told my fellow medical student here, come 5 o'clock friday evening this hospital will see some crazy brown guy

running naked in the parking lot !!!!

nasib si tabib jalanan

it seems that i whine too much. well i'm not going to apologize about it since that what humans do. whining and complaining in fact are the very things that make us humans, among lots of other things. everyone does it and the only difference between one person to another is wheather he verbalize it or keep it to himself. well it can constructive sometimes i mean i f you don't like about a system you complain about it and address it as a problem then you can take action to change it. at personal level on the other hand, this would let you recognize that there is a problem within yourself that may need help.

why did i bring this up, well recently it just occurred to me that i whine too much pretty much about everything, nothing around me that makes me happy. why is that? i tried to be positive, find something that would occupy me hoping i would be distracted from this negative attitude. the vicious cycle seems so solid and breaking it like trying to nail a concrete wall, no matter how much you hammered down the nail, you either break or bend it or you might hit your own hand in the process but the wall left with a little crack hardly noticed by anyone. the cycle i meant is the whining about your life followed by the feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness than you take the whole day to motivate yourself just to face the very same thing that make you whine in the first place on the next day, so the cycle go on and on. as a result all the energy that you could've used for a productive and fruitful day just gone in vain.

now that i realize this, i should've known that my life desperately in need of a makeover or also known by "hijrah". goodness, prophet muhammad s.a.w was the pioneer of this makeover concept, in a way. i mean in a situation that no improvement obtained at strong efforts and determination from your part to counter your own problem, it's time to evaluate your options. maybe it's time to make a compromise, people make sacrifices all the time in order to accomodate their own tailored lives along the way to reach their targeted destination. that doesn't make them losers but wisers. everyone has different sets of paths in life, as much as we want them to be as straightforward and simple as we could, unfortunately there is a greater power in play which we have no power over it. circumstances, fate, everything is predetermined. some might change our priorites and ambitions in our lives.

this locum thing is great, flexible hours and the chance to see the world, yeah right, just the rest of the country and they all look the same anyway. but on the downside, it's not recognized for training, well not that it would be different anyway if i have a full time job i mean the skills you would learn but more importantly to me i guess is how it would undermine your psyche. people look down on you, maybe the fact that someone's locuming in the past, people took their responsibles a bit lightly hence no respect for this kind, quite a common understanding generally. it's really a struggle and the fact that people second guess you all the time, questioning your decision, gosh it's really depressing. i can't help it but realistically yes they don't know you and your reputation hence it's natural for them to feel that way, for some reasons it bothers me too much. bottom line is locum is good as kicap manis on the side of main dish but on its own it can disastrous. i guess i better get my ass off this chair and study as hard as i could to pass my part 3 so i can "hijrah" back home, the sooner the better but damn the nearest scheduled exam is in october. i probably just have to put up with it for the time being. sure i can do this. yes i can, yes i can, yes i can......... phew glad got this out of my chest. 1 down 4 days more to go. what a long week.

another week has gone by, here comes friday yet i won't be cheering up like others would do once the clock ticking at 4 pm. i wish i could but i have to come back to work again tomorrow. gosh i don't like on-call during the week and certainly dislike it even more in the weekend, it's weekend!!! ok basically i just don't like on-call period. god bless those people who do enjoy calls. wish i was once of them. so naturally at the moment i'm dreading at the prospect of coming to work tomorrow and the thought that i have to deal with all the ward jobs. i just don't like it, and i don't know why, i'd do the same things in casualty and i'm okay with it but the fact that it has something to do with the ward just put me off. stupid intern works and i guess there is another big factor for my not yet reaching "hatred" level of this stuff but i'm not gonna say it here at least not yet, who knows maybe after tomorrow i might, my friends probably know what i'm talking about. please god please let it flies swiftly and painless as possible, amen.

the weather here up in the northwest of the country pretty much like the rest of the country, gloomy and dull perhaps with a little drizzles all day long if you lucky and if you really really lucky there be stormy wind that strong enough to fly away an old lady who was walking down the streets, there you go old granny fly around in the sky like mary poppin. how depressing. yes it is depressing and i miss my own bed, my couch and my apartment. as if things couldn't any worse, digiweb rang me the other day telling me that my apartment couldn't possibly have wireless internet installed. not because it's on the ground floor but the fact that my apartment faces the opposite direction of the satellite locust or anything like that. there goes my broadband dream........screw it. i don't want broadband internet that much anyway............ok maybe not too much but i kinda need it. whatever.

damn, i'm so sleepy feel like i can fall off of this chair and lay down on this library floor, i swear sometimes i feel my like eyes have minds of their own. if it said sleep i don't have a choice in that matter and sleeping i go. like now for example hence i need to stop and crawl in to a room somewhere and sleep like a baby