why did i bring this up, well recently it just occurred to me that i whine too much pretty much about everything, nothing around me that makes me happy. why is that? i tried to be positive, find something that would occupy me hoping i would be distracted from this negative attitude. the vicious cycle seems so solid and breaking it like trying to nail a concrete wall, no matter how much you hammered down the nail, you either break or bend it or you might hit your own hand in the process but the wall left with a little crack hardly noticed by anyone. the cycle i meant is the whining about your life followed by the feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness than you take the whole day to motivate yourself just to face the very same thing that make you whine in the first place on the next day, so the cycle go on and on. as a result all the energy that you could've used for a productive and fruitful day just gone in vain.
now that i realize this, i should've known that my life desperately in need of a makeover or also known by "hijrah". goodness, prophet muhammad s.a.w was the pioneer of this makeover concept, in a way. i mean in a situation that no improvement obtained at strong efforts and determination from your part to counter your own problem, it's time to evaluate your options. maybe it's time to make a compromise, people make sacrifices all the time in order to accomodate their own tailored lives along the way to reach their targeted destination. that doesn't make them losers but wisers. everyone has different sets of paths in life, as much as we want them to be as straightforward and simple as we could, unfortunately there is a greater power in play which we have no power over it. circumstances, fate, everything is predetermined. some might change our priorites and ambitions in our lives.
this locum thing is great, flexible hours and the chance to see the world, yeah right, just the rest of the country and they all look the same anyway. but on the downside, it's not recognized for training, well not that it would be different anyway if i have a full time job i mean the skills you would learn but more importantly to me i guess is how it would undermine your psyche. people look down on you, maybe the fact that someone's locuming in the past, people took their responsibles a bit lightly hence no respect for this kind, quite a common understanding generally. it's really a struggle and the fact that people second guess you all the time, questioning your decision, gosh it's really depressing. i can't help it but realistically yes they don't know you and your reputation hence it's natural for them to feel that way, for some reasons it bothers me too much. bottom line is locum is good as kicap manis on the side of main dish but on its own it can disastrous. i guess i better get my ass off this chair and study as hard as i could to pass my part 3 so i can "hijrah" back home, the sooner the better but damn the nearest scheduled exam is in october. i probably just have to put up with it for the time being. sure i can do this. yes i can, yes i can, yes i can......... phew glad got this out of my chest. 1 down 4 days more to go. what a long week.
